陌生人

有一天，我的博客来了一位陌生的访客。

你没有留过言，但是我知道你来过，因为我收到了一条订阅通知。

我跟随订阅通知里的链接，去看了你的博客。你的文章都是英文的，全是原创的短篇，更新不是很频繁，但是很有规律。全部是虚构的故事，题材天马行空，人鱼，吸血鬼，厌食症患者，家庭暴力……以我贫瘠的想象力，没法猜测下一篇说的是啥。你的语言是鬼魅而有魔力的，短短的几段话，也能让人心跳加速呼吸暂停。并不是所有作品都是完美的，就连我这个非native speaker也能偶尔看到语病或者写得太快太急的痕迹。不过这个不完美的发现证实了你的真实性，这写博客的当真是一活人。

你的博客很少有人留言，几乎没有，仿佛是写给自己的日记。我好像总共就看到过两三条留言，主人从来没有回复。本来看到好的文章，我一般会想要留言赞赏一下，但是我怯场了，好像说什么都多余。我无意走进一个陌生人的家里，观摩了主人的衣橱书房橱柜，难道要给主人留个条子说一声？于是还是悄悄的出了门，一段时间回来看一眼，主人又添置了点什么好东西。

我想不出你会是一个什么样的人。我的猜想已经变了好几个版本，不过也没有抱希望从字里行间真的推测什么出来。我不知道你会是什么渠道晃悠到了我这里，出于什么原因订阅了我的博客。我的博客几乎是你的博客的反面，所有的内容都是我的生活，几个简单而重复的话题，碎碎念。我的大部分文章是中文，也不知道你是不是看得懂。或许唯一相似的地方，就是我每一篇也是认真的写的。

陌生人，你好。你看，我写你的这篇，特意用了中文，心里抱着侥幸，或者这样你会看不懂，就不知道，我知道你……

洗碗

最近总是想起以前普林斯顿大学里的一个朋友。很多小事无端的就会联想到他身上。

那时候大四，A是朋友的朋友，一个一年级的白人小弟。他非常聪明和渊博，害羞，说话举止生涩到让人觉得有点怪，但是又说不出怪在哪里。对他印象深刻是因为他那么急切的想要和人亲近，甚至主动提出来要经常来我们宿舍给四个女生志愿洗碗。这个提议让我们很惊讶。室友开玩笑说，人家小弟不是喜欢上你了吧。这个可能性应该是几乎没有，但是我一把年纪的也不好意思占人家便宜，于是就有意识或者无意识的划清界限，保持在泛泛之交的程度，后来毕业了，再也没有想到过他。

许多年以后，我看到消息说，A自杀了，而且，他从小就有autism。A是很虔诚的基督教徒，该到了怎样绝望的境地才会选择自杀这样禁忌的方式离开这个世界？朋友B说，A的妈妈哭着问B，A会不会下地狱。且不说到底他会去哪里，反正也不是由世人说了算，可是他的这个决定，让我在许多年后依然感到了他心里的悲凉。

有一种羞愧在我的心里滋长蔓延，挥之不去。我一直不知道他有autism，可我一直都知道他有点什么，我其实真的感觉到了他的求助，他那么卑微的，几乎勇敢的求助，我选择了无视。或许我在他的生命力也就是一个过客，我的选择不见得会改变什么结果，我虚伪的对自己说。另一个声音说，对啊，就是因为大家都很方便省事的当了过客，所以他和这个世界的联系那么微薄，哪怕是面对永恒地狱的威胁，他还是选择了离开。他对我们失望了吗？他对我们厌恶了吗？或许他就是累了。

其实更加另我沮丧的是，我还是不知道该怎么给他，她，还有他，他们帮助。在某些方面我很敏感，或许太敏感。我自己在绝望的时候会自我隔离，拒绝同情和帮助。所以我能特别感到那个那个鸿沟，我在那条沟的两边都徘徊过。境地不同的两个人，真的难进行非流于表面形式的有意义的沟通。或许他们也不需要帮助。也许他只要有个人，不带判决也不赶时间，在他想来洗碗的时候，就准备一大堆的碗，让他可以洗很久……

破除魔咒

我喜欢我的这份工作，因为它的多样性，会用到我不同方面的才能，从人生哲学到专业知识到小聪明，都有派上用场的时候。每个项目都和上一个不太一样，所以能学一些新的东西。自己的努力得到老板，同事，和客户的肯定，是很好的感觉。

有时候我也讨厌我的工作，因为它的多样性，常常不可避免要去做自己不喜欢不擅长的事情，所以我家哥们周期性的听我爆发，信誓旦旦哭哭啼啼的说，老子不做了从此要你养。也许是因为从小对自己的要求是凡事要做到尽善尽美，所以很怕做没把握的事情，怕不完美，别人会怎样想，怕人知道我费尽辛苦也只能如此。以前在生活中也碰到这些事情，我第一反应总是选择放弃，不面对，跟自己和别人说不在乎。譬如小时候学乐器，有次我的作业弹得还不如很小的小孩子，从此拒绝去上课。结果到现在还是乐盲，五音不全，手脚不分。

我最不喜欢做的一项工作就是写作。写散文博客意识流式的文章不算。我怕的是学术或者商务的文章——论文，分析报告，计划书……那种需要语言严谨，思路清晰，条理清楚，有提纲和执行摘要的东西。有时候是因为我讨厌写假大空的套话，觉得虚伪，无话可说。可有时候我明明知道内容是什么，也很感兴趣，就是不想不能下笔开始写。很诡异的现象，就像中了魔咒，貌似无比可行的一件事，就是不能。像是枕着手睡觉的人，在梦里想要伸手，偏偏伸不出去。

倘若是其它事情，或许我又可以当鸵鸟不管不顾。但是工作上的事情，我又不可能说不。老板我不行，行行好找别人吧。我说不出口。

最近一次为这事发愁是前几天，要交一个分析报告。吃喝拉撒熏香沐浴完毕，坐在电脑前，发现有email要回，有一些又小又快又急的事情要处理，上Facebook转一圈再开始写吧，看到朋友发的文章追去看看……好不容易开始写，还没写几个字，又想要吃喝拉撒，又有email要回，有小快急的事情要处理，Facebook上有更新……总之呢，就是任何一个小的干扰都比我写文章有优先权。效率之低下，简直可耻。

我开小差做的无数件事情之一，是看了一个TED TALKS的演讲。有意思的是，这次开小差，解开了我的魔咒，至少这一周，我集中精力，奋笔疾书，不仅按时完成了任务，老板还赞赏说写得好。

难道其实不是不能写，只是因为觉得自己不能写，然后不让自己能写呢？事实是以前也经历过这样的事情，好多次逼急了，结果还是写出好的东西来了。这次也一样，如果一开始就集中精力充满信心的去做，该省下多少苦恼？

那个伸不出手的魔咒，其实不存在！你只有相信它存在，才被诅咒了。

道理谁都听过，说起来比做起来容易。对我来说有几件事情能帮助我破除魔咒：

1. 锻炼 （我很少锻炼，惭愧一下）。本周我因为一个appointment需要出门，突然发现哥们早晨把我的车开走了，另一辆车不在家。我豁出去了就步行+小跑了30分钟去appointment，怕迟到啊。走到的时候全身气血通畅，心情愉快。

2. 洗澡（或者游泳）。

3. 和我家哥们搏斗。主要是我欺负他，他不准还击。虐完人以后，雄心壮志，思如泉涌，下笔千行。

以前在圆桌上课，老师说有些话对自己喊21遍，自己就会信，譬如“我可以的！”这个后来忘了，刚刚才想起来。

交完作业的感觉不错，就是累，需要呼呼……

You know it is cold when…

You know it is cold when Little 6 claims a sleeping bag to sleep in.

Steve Jobs

Last year, I pre-ordered the book Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson the moment it became available for pre-order in the ibook store. I have a lot of respect for Steve Jobs and Apple, because I really like their products. Apple introduced to me what simple and elegant design is. I read the entire book on my beautiful iPad, quite an enjoyable experience.

After I finished reading the book, I have a whole new understanding of Steve Jobs. I appreciate him even more as a designer of great taste, a marketeer of unparalleled business sense and insight, and a person of relentless drive and motivation.

However, I also learned about his extreme compulsions for diets and perfection, his almost-bipolar personality constantly oscillating between extreme cruelty and extreme charm, and most impressively, his blatant disregard and powerful distortion of reality (which is partly why he did become so successful and hated by many of his colleagues. ) Steve Jobs is extreme towards most things, people, ideas/beliefs; he either loved something like it’s the best thing ever in the entire history of the world, or he hated it with all his vengeance. All of these traits of the great icon are new to me. I have to wonder, how hard it must be to work, live, or even be with him?! What does it take to accomplish what he did, “make a dent in the universe”? Can you do it? Is it worth it?

Overall, it is a very entertaining and thought-provoking read.  Here are some of the interesting things from the book which I noted down:

• Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. - Atop the brochure (for Apple II) McKenna put a maxim, often attributed to Leonardo Da Vinci, that would become the defining precept of Job’s design philosophy
• The best way to predict the future is to invent it.  - Alan Kay
• By expecting them to do great things, you get them to do great things. – Steve Jobs, speaking of the original Mac team.
• Design is the fundamental soul of a man-made creation that ends up expressing itself in successive outer layers. – Steve Jobs, in an interview with Fortune
• Henry Ford once said, “If I’d asked customers what they wanted, they would have told me, ‘A faster horse!’” People don’t know what they want until you show it to them. That’s why I never rely on market research. Our task is to read things that are not yet on the page. – Steve Jobs
• “That’s what I’ve always tried to do — keep moving. Otherwise, as Dylan says, if you are not busy being born, you are busy dying. – Steve Jobs
• The Apple III was a kind of like a baby conceived during a group orgy, and later everybody had this bad headache, and there’s this bastard child, and everyone says, “It’s not mine.” – Randy Wigginton, one of the engineers worked on Apple III.
• What is the difference between Apple and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. – an old joke from one of the Apple ad salesmen
• Jobs was sometimes willing to surrender, despite his reputation, but he never won any awards for gracious concession speeches. “Screw it,” he said at one meeting where they showed him the analysis. “I’m sick of listening to you assholes. Go do whatever the hell you want.” – This is when Schiller, convinced Jobs to allow iPods to connect to Windows machines.
• Asked about the fact that Apple’s iTunes software for Windows computers was extremely popular, Jobs joked, “It’s like giving a glass of ice water to somebody in hell.” – in a joint interview with Bill Gates for Wall Street Journal in 2007.

Let me end this blog with one of Apple’s commercials which left me touched and inspired.

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

Something that makes me smile today

“I received the boutonnieres, they are perfect!! Thank you again for a fantastic job and outstanding customer service!”

Received an email today from the bride who bought the paper boutonnieres from me earlier. It made my day.

My First Order

I have toyed with the thought of selling handmade paper flowers ever since I started making them for my own wedding. I listed a few types of flowers in my Etsy store and sort of forgot about it, because for months no one really ordered anything. To my surprise, last week, some bride ordered from me four crepe paper boutonnieres for her February wedding! I am so excited! And oh so nervous. It is my first order!

Making paper flowers for an actual paying customer is different from making them for myself. Suddenly I am not so sure any more. What if she doesn’t like what I create? What if I made it too big, or too small? What if I got the color wrong? She wanted a one red rosebud and a pink rosebud (those were easy because she saw the pictures of the boutonnieres I made and wanted the same colors) but with “mint green” leaves instead. I had to hold my ipad displaying google image search results for “mint green” in Micheals in order to find the leaves of the right shade of green. I did find something close, but not exactly. Then again, even among the search results for “mint green” there are different shades of it. Go figure!

I almost had a panic attack when, at one point, I couldn’t find any red crepe paper at home. I knew I had it, but I could have used it all up for my own wedding flowers. If I had to order them online and wait for the shipment (how strange I never found any crepe paper in any local craft stores, and believe me I searched hard everywhere), I would not be able to deliver the final products on time. Thank God that I finally found some left over red crepe paper tonight. Phew~~~

All these fears and anxieties went away as soon as I gathered my materials and started making the first boutonniere. This is almost a therapeutic process for me. I was feeling creative, confident, and happy! Really happy. I was on a business trip last week and X is on a business trip last week and this week, so I was really missing him and feeling lonely. Until tonight. When I was creating something, I forgot that I was alone.

Considering how much time I spend making these flowers and how little I charge for them, I am probably making below the minimum wage. However, if I think about how happy it makes me to make something with my own hands, I would be willing to pay to have that kind of satisfaction. Therefore, I am really sincerely grateful to you, my first customer, for paying me to do something I love. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and a happy marriage. May these flowers bring much love and joy, from me to you.